I can see the head……Um excuse me? What did you just say?

I never in a million years expected Fin’s birth to happen the way it happened. My husband will end up reading this and probably tell me that I missed something or told an event wrong because he remembers everything! Even the part where I bit him. Anyways, Matt and I created a simple birth plan to give to the doctor and nurses when we arrived at the hospital. I packed some of my hospital bag during the week  I was 38 weeks (better late than never). 

My birth plan was to the point…give me a epidural when I’m allowed to have one and only perform a c-section if it’s medically necessary. On Friday 6/10 I went to acupuncture and told her to hit the inducing points. As I was leaving, my acupuncturist said, “This might take about 2 days to work.” On Saturday, I woke up and said to Fin, “Ok, little man…I’m going to try everything to get you out.” I ate the core of a pineapple, bounced on a medicine ball, and went for a pedicure. Then I went to the post office. The woman behind the counter said, “Oh, how far along are you?” I replied that my due date was Tuesday. She yelled, “DAMN! You look good. You want that baby out? You go home and you get on your husband, and you have sex.” And yes I mean it when I said she yelled. I laughed. When I got home I told Matt about the post-lady and followed her advice. Later on after dinner, I started to get some back pain. I told Matt let’s take Ulysses for a walk like we do every evening and the pain should go away like it usually does. As we were walking, the back pain stayed. I looked at Matt and said, “When we get home I’m going to lay on my side.” I got home, laid on my side and the pain did not go away and I began to feel pain in the front. I got up and said to Matt, “Alright, it’s 9 o’clock, I’m going to go to bed. If I wake up and I’m still in pain….this might be the real thing.”

I went to bed and woke up around midnight. The pain was a lot stronger and not going away at all. This was it. I walked into the living room and woke Matt. He said he had just fallen asleep on the couch at 11. I told him that I was going to finish packing my hospital bag and that he should check his as well. I kept getting distracted by the movie Sorority Boys that was on my TV while I was packing. Matt downloaded an app and said he was going to start timing my contractions. They started to get a lot more intense and I actually had to stop here and there from packing. It was now definitely a good time to call the doctor. I called the emergency line at my OBGYN and the woman on the phone kindly informed me that both my doctors were off for the weekend and that I had to contact the doctor filling in. Well that just made me royally pissed off! I called that doctor and left a message. I forgot that I have my phone on do not disturb so the doctor and I played phone tag for a good half hour. He told me to make my way to the hospital and that he would meet me there in a few hours. We kissed Ulysses good-bye and told him we’d be back in a few days. (Don’t worry we had someone coming to let him out and feed him.)

As Matt was driving to the hospital, I was timing the contractions (not really). They were intense but not so bad. I even said to Matt, “Eh, this isn’t so bad yet.” We parked in the ER lot and went into the ER since the main entrance was closed at 3:15 in the morning. The front desk woman called up to the L & D and offered me a wheelchair, but I said, “Nah, I can walk.” The L & D is literally all the way on the other side of the hospital. No joke. As I was walking I had to stop a few times because of the pain. 

When we reached L & D, I had to fill out some paperwork and they put me in the room with a bunch of beds and I had to get my robe on. The nurse informed me that the resident would take a look at me. The resident said I was about 4 cm dilated and that I would be staying. The contractions were getting closer together now. I asked when can I get an epidural and they told me after they take my blood and get that checked. Blood taken….now waiting. They made me walk to my delivery room. It was about 20 feet and I had to stop a few times. When I got into the room they hooked me up to whatever crap they hook you up to, but the pain was getting worse. They said to hang tight until my blood work came back and to call if I needed anything. As I was laying there, I turned to Matt and told him I needed to throw up. The nurse came in with a bucket and sure enough I threw up. “I feel a lot better.” (eye roll) The nurse came in and said that my blood work results should be in any minute and then I can get the epidural. Ok lady! 

I started to scream from the pain and I mean scream. Like Norman Bates just walked in on me in the shower. I said to Matt to go get the nurse because I have to use the bathroom really bad. The nurse came running in as I was yelling at Matt. I asked her if I could please use the bathroom, it would make me feel better, I have to poop. She looked at me and said, “Hunny you don’t have to use the bathroom.” She called for the resident. The resident comes in and tells me, “Hi, you don’t have to go to the bathroom, I can see the head, we are going to break your water.” The nurse now calls the on-call doctor that is asleep in the hospital somewhere because the doctor filling in for my OBs is still on his way. I yelled, “What do you mean you can see the head? Can I have my epidural?” The on-call doctor comes in and says, “Yes, were getting the anesthesiologist to come give you the epidural.” As the resident is scrubbing up, I turn towards Matt and try to crawl out of the hospital bed because the pain hurts so bad. Then, POP! My water breaks, all on its own. I felt a huge gush of water leave my body. It literally felt like something fell out of me. I looked at Matt and said, “Oh now I feel so much better.” WRONG! The resident informs me that I cannot get an epidural and that the baby is coming. I didn’t believe it. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GET AN EPIDURAL??? Is this real life? She said I’ll help you through this. F you lady. Seriously F you. All the nurses came in and helped to hold my legs down. Matt stayed behind me and proceeded to pet my head like he was petting a dog until I barked (ha!) at him to stop touching me. Instead, I asked him to hold my hand. While holding his hand I tried to bite his knuckles multiple times to offset the pain I was in. Sorry hubby. 

I did not take any birthing classes and I remember my chiropractor telling me how to breath during delivery. Yeh, ok mister. I kept trying to close my legs. I thought of if I close them the pain will stop. But those nurses held my legs open real good. The resident explained that after every 3rd contraction to push. So I did. The contractions were the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. But when I pushed I felt a lot better. I kept flipping my head back so they gave Matt the job of reminding me to keep my chin down. He did a good job of that, A+ hun. I kept saying to the resident, “Is he out? Make him come out!” She looked up at me and said, “Look, this is all up to you, you got to push that baby out.” I went to a deep dark place in my mind and I said to myself…Ok, you are doing this now. You are making Fin come out. I don’t care if you rupture something or pop a blood vessel, this baby is coming out.” The contractions came and I pushed. Almost there. The next set of contractions came and I pushed and yelled and BOOM! At 5:45am, on Sunday, she pulled Fin right out and put him on my chest. I was shaking from the pain and adrenaline. And I mean shaking.

I looked at my little baby boy and smiled and told him I was his mom but the pain was terrible. To this day I get so upset because I remember telling them to take Fin off of me because I thought I was going to drop him since I was shaking so much from the pain. Matt cut the cord and they took Fin to the little table (he pooped right away, ew) and wrapped him in his blanket. The resident informed me that I still needed to deliver the placenta. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?!? I pushed and pushed and finally the on-call doctor literally slammed his fist down on my stomach and the friggin thing popped out. The nurses placed Fin back in my arms and I looked down at him, still shaking. The resident told me I had a second degree tear and that I needed to be sewn up. That hurt. I was so upset because I had my baby finally in my arms after waiting forever to meet him and I couldn’t even enjoy it. I could feel them sewing me. I could feel the pain. I couldn’t take it anymore and yelled at the resident, “ARE YOU DONE YET?” All while shaking uncontrollably. Finally, she was done and finally I could enjoy holding my precious Finley. Was all this pain worth it? YES! He was so alert the whole rest of the day. 

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