I love Disney. I love everything about it. The magic, the wonder, the movies, the characters, the excitement, the high prices to visit their parks and resorts (ok I don’t love that part), but Disney is wonderful. I have seen probably every Disney movie (multiple times). Some movies I love, some I do not. I’m going to give you my expert opinion on each movie. Why? Because why not?
Let’s start with Moana, the newest movie from Disney. No, just no. I fell asleep. I did not like it. The only cute part was the pig and he was maybe in it for all of 5 seconds.
Frozen- This movie grew on me. When I first say it, I didn’t understand at all the appeal. Olaf was the only funny part of the movie. Then I say the short movie about Anna’s birthday before the live action version of Cinderella and I loved it, so I gave frozen another shot. Oh and the Lego Frozen movie is the best.
Next we have my favorite Disney movie, The Little Mermaid. Did you know in the real version…she dies? There are so many things wrong with this movie but I don’t care. I want to be a part of her world. (See what I did there? Ha) Why couldn’t Ariel just write everything to Prince Eric? Why does Prince Eric fall in love with a girl that washed up on shore? She could have scabies for all we know. How does Ariel go to the bathroom? How does she breathe under water? Does she have gills or lungs? But the music in this movie is the best. I could sing it all day.
Dumbo- HOLY FREAKIN PANCAKES! This movie makes me cry like a baby. Seriously Disney? Why?? Mama Dumbo has her baby delivered after all the other mom animals get their babies delivered. Messed up. Dumb stork. Next the other elephants laugh at cute little Dumbo and his even more adorable big ole ears. Seriously? Adults laughing at babies?!? Next, a human child tortures Dumbo at the circus, Mama Dumbo puts him in his place and goes crazy when they take her baby from her. No shit, she’s going to go crazy. You just took her precious baby from her. I would flip cars if anyone did that to me. Then the part where Dumbo goes to visit his mom locked in the cage and she puts her trunk through the bars and rocks and cuddles him?????
WHAT? Seriously if you have a child or a pet, go pick them up and cuddle the hell out of them. And all the times Dumbo cries. LOOK AT THAT FACE! I do, however, like when they make Dumbo get drunk off the bath water.
OK I’m actually crying while writing this so I need to stop. The ending is better. Oh one last thing, with physics and all….can dumbo’s ears really support his body weight when he flies? His bones aren’t hollow like birds. Hmm….
Snow White- I hate her and her voice. She’s annoying. I hate the way she sings. Who moves in with 7 men?!?!? Oh and she falls in love with a man she has never met. Who does that? Is it because he is a prince? Gold-digger. My son looks like dopey and he’s the only good part of that movie.
Beauty and the Beast- There are a lot of plot holes in this movie, but the internet has already explored those. I like this movie, I do. But it’s not one of my favorites and I don’t get why it is the favorite of others. So I’m just moving on.
Cinderella- Honestly, why does she take such crap from her step-mom? I do like the story because in the end the step-mom and step sisters get what they deserve and Cinderella or simply Ella gets a happy ending. However, where was her fairy Godmother for all those years? Why did she wait that long to show up? If I was Ella, I would have a lot of questions for that woman.
Sleeping Beauty- Aurora is my second favorite princess behind Ariel. If you knew the real story of sleeping beauty it’s actually quite disturbing. I love this movie. Maleficent is bad-ass. Sorry she is. I would never have let those three nitwit fairies take care of my daughter though.
The Lion King- Once again Disney, you kill off a parent. What is with this trend? I forgot to mention that in Cinderella her parents die, I believe in Snow White her parents are dead, and where is Ariel’s mom? I love this movie because it has no human characters, only animals. It is one of my favorite Disney movies. I’ll leave it at that.
Tarzan- Ok, again kill off the parents Disney and the gorilla baby. Make me sob and sob and sob. I cry at this movie especially when the song “You’ll be in my heart” plays. This movie is good but it’s sad.
Oliver and Company- I SOB LIKE A GIANT BABY basically throughout this entire movie. Why does no one take Oliver from that box? Why are all his brothers and sisters adopted but not him?!?!?!? Then when he meets the little girl and she sings the song….”you and me together will be….forever you’ll see, we’ll always be good company, you and me”….just stop. Stop it Disney! I like this movie but I seriously get so emotional afterwards.
The Sword and the Stone- LOVE LOVE LOVE. The owl is a hoot. The ending when Merlin and the witch change into the different animals is my favorite part.
Aladdin- The first one is the best. The second one is ok. There was no need to make anymore or have a TV show. All I remember is Steve from Full House is Aladdin’s voice. I do like this movie. Not a favorite, but I enjoy. The songs are good.
Peter Pan and Robin Hood I’ll watch because they are my husband’s favorites but TINKER BELL IS A BITCH.
Brave- YES YES YES! This movie is so good. If I am blessed with a daughter, this movie will be played for her over and over. I have already made Fin watch it multiple times. Not arguing with anything about it because I enjoy it so.
The Princess and the Frog, Hercules, The Rescuers, Brother Bear, The Great Mouse Detective- All forgotten movies………oh and Atlantis…never even saw it.
The Jungle Book- WHY OH WHY are there wolves in the friggin jungle? Oh and a bear? They live in the woods. This movie makes no freakin’ sense. I can’t blame Disney because they adapted it from a book but seriously……I can’t deal with the inaccuracy. Are there even wolves and bears in India?
Bambi- Sad, just sad. Not even touching this one.
Mulan- I hated this movie. Period.
Tangled- It was good. I like the lizard and horse.
Pinocchio- I do like this movie. I hate the fact that they have a cricket as a character in it. I hate crickets.
101 Dalmatians- This movie is good. But I never heard of anyone skinning dogs to make fur coats. Is that a thing in other countries? Because it shouldn’t be.
Lady and the Tramp- The humans treat her so poorly after the baby is born. But she does protect the baby from the rat and Tramp is the best. But I don’t get how at the end when they have puppies…a few look like her and a few look like him. Uhhh no, they would be a mixture of the both.
I probably forgot to mention a lot more movies…but the moral of this story is that Disney movies sometimes make no sense and will make you cry. Are there any movies I am missing?