My path to external and internal happiness…
You made me a mom of 2. While you’re only 5 weeks old, I am so very grateful to you. When I was pregnant with Fin I gained 23 lbs. I worked out by doing a lot of cardio at the gym, some machines, and a lot of squats at home. When I gave birth, I lost my baby weight quickly but still didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. I breastfed and my body hung onto fat in places I never had it before and it was hard for me to deal with. I would secretly analyze myself in the mirror and cry. Your daddy would tell me all the time how beautiful I was but I didn’t believe him. I needed to think that myself and I didn’t. I also didn’t want to get in that mentality that I was in my 30s, had a kid, so I could “let myself go”. That just isn’t me, at all.
I knew I had to eat in order to keep my milk supply and I was hungry from breastfeeding. Because I was not comfortable in my skin, I decided to join Crossfit and it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. It helped me feel so much more confident. I saw women that had meat on their bones and muscles. For the first time in my life, I wanted that. I wanted muscles. I saw my body starting to transform and get more toned and I did start to build muscle. I learned to love to lift weights and began hating cardio. But I was still self-conscience. I still didn’t feel comfortable in a bathing suit, even though I wore the high waisted 50’s style two-piece. I didn’t feel comfortable in workout pants. Then I became pregnant with you. At first I was gaining a lot of weight quickly and eating lots of carbs because I was always nausated. My face looked swollen and I was gaining weight in areas I didn’t when pregnant with your brother. I knew I was having a girl because I felt like my “beauty” was being sucked from me. Turned out I was correct. After about 12 weeks (I worked out a bit at home when I had the energy), I started going back to Crossfit. Again, a great decision. I worked harder than I had before…..not really sure why. I think I wanted to prove that I could be pregnant and still continue to lift weights. I definitely knew my limits though because I always had you in mind and never wanted to jeopardize your health or well-being. I started to notice a difference in my body again. I was still gaining rapidly but where I was gaining it seemed to start moving to just my belly, ass, and legs, but I felt strong. I did like having a butt. After a few months, my weight hit a plateau. Towards the last 10 weeks, I had to be put on a limited carb and sugar diet and began to loose weight. In the end I gained 19 lbs with you and felt amazing. I was constantly complimented that I was all belly and that I looked great. My response, “Thank you. I eat well and go to Crossfit.” I wasn’t worried about loosing the weight after you were born because I knew once I got back to working out, I’d be fine. It’s been 7 weeks since I have been to CF and I’m itching to get back. I do work out a bit at home when I have time, which isn’t often.
When you were born, I dropped the 19lbs within a week and 1/2. You eat a lot! I’m either nursing or pumping. As of last week, you are already 10lbs. Way to go girl! I have continued to loose a bit more weight which I’m actually not happy about, however, I do feel good about myself. I have people complimenting me when they hear I had a baby 5 weeks ago. I appreciate the compliments since I am always so hard on myself. I have struggled with eating, eating disorders/issues, and body dysmorphic disorder for a very long time. It started when I was younger. I had always compared myself to others. Not a good thing to do, ever. Your dad has really helped me face this.
However, Hazel for once in my life I’m actually happy when I look in the mirror. Yes I have a bit of a mommy bloat still but again I just gave birth to you 5 weeks ago. Once I get back to working out I know it will help it disappear and if it doesn’t well I gave birth to 2 beautiful kids! Your dad tells me all the time that I look good and he loves the way I am and would knock my teeth in if I ever went back to having “bad thoughts” about food. (Not those exact words, but you get it.) I eat what I want now without feeling guilty or ashamed. I eat in moderation. I don’t restrict certain “bad” foods anymore. I honestly have you and Fin to thank for this. But especially you!
I have you as a daughter now. I need for you to never experience what I went through. I have a wonderful mother that was there for me during my really dark times and I promise to be there for you as well. But I want to make sure you never, ever feel the way I have in the past. I put my mom through hell and quite honestly don’t want to go through that with you. I want to be the best role model for you. I will never say anything bad about myself in front of you. I do not want you to ever hear any negative remarks come out of my mouth. You are making me learn to love myself, just like I want you to always love yourself. I was always my harshest critic (with everything in my life) and I’m learning not to be. Because of you I am no longer putting myself down. You and Fin make me want to be a better person and the best mommy I can be.
I love everything you have given me already, my sweet Hazel. You and Fin are my world and I live to make you proud. Thank you for finally giving me the strength to put the past behind me and move forward. I owe you my world. Now I’m 32 year old mom focused on being my best self while jumping over any mountains for my kids. You guys are my everything!