To my beautiful daughter

My path to external and internal happiness…

Dear Hazel,

You made me a mom of 2. While you’re only 5 weeks old, I am so very grateful to you. When I was pregnant with Fin I gained 23 lbs. I worked out by doing a lot of cardio at the gym, some machines, and a lot of squats at home. When I gave birth, I lost my baby weight quickly but still didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. I breastfed and my body hung onto fat in places I never had it before and it was hard for me to deal with. I would secretly analyze myself in the mirror and cry. Your daddy would tell me all the time how beautiful I was but I didn’t believe him. I needed to think that myself and I didn’t. I also didn’t want to get in that mentality that I was in my 30s, had a kid, so I could “let myself go”. That just isn’t me, at all. 

I knew I had to eat in order to keep my milk supply and I was hungry from breastfeeding. Because I was not comfortable in my skin, I decided to join Crossfit and it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. It helped me feel so much more confident. I saw women that had meat on their bones and muscles. For the first time in my life, I wanted that. I wanted muscles. I saw my body starting to transform and get more toned and I did start to build muscle. I learned to love to lift weights and began hating cardio. But I was still self-conscience. I still didn’t feel comfortable in a bathing suit, even though I wore the high waisted 50’s style two-piece. I didn’t feel comfortable in workout pants. Then I became pregnant with you. At first I was gaining a lot of weight quickly and eating lots of carbs because I was always nausated. My face looked swollen and I was gaining weight in areas I didn’t when pregnant with your brother. I knew I was having a girl because I felt like my “beauty” was being sucked from me. Turned out I was correct. After about 12 weeks (I worked out a bit at home when I had the energy), I started going back to Crossfit. Again, a great decision. I worked harder than I had before…..not really sure why. I think I wanted to prove that I could be pregnant and still continue to lift weights. I definitely knew my limits though because I always had you in mind and never wanted to jeopardize your health or well-being. I started to notice a difference in my body again. I was still gaining rapidly but where I was gaining it seemed to start moving to just my belly, ass, and legs, but I felt strong. I did like having a butt. After a few months, my weight hit a plateau. Towards the last 10 weeks, I had to be put on a limited carb and sugar diet and began to loose weight. In the end I gained 19 lbs with you and felt amazing. I was constantly complimented that I was all belly and that I looked great. My response, “Thank you. I eat well and go to Crossfit.” I wasn’t worried about loosing the weight after you were born because I knew once I got back to working out, I’d be fine. It’s been 7 weeks since I have been to CF and I’m itching to get back. I do work out a bit at home when I have time, which isn’t often. 

When you were born, I dropped the 19lbs within a week and 1/2. You eat a lot! I’m either nursing or pumping. As of last week, you are already 10lbs. Way to go girl! I have continued to loose a bit more weight which I’m actually not happy about, however, I do feel good about myself. I have people complimenting me when they hear I had a baby 5 weeks ago. I appreciate the compliments since I am always so hard on myself. I have struggled with eating, eating disorders/issues, and body dysmorphic disorder for a very long time. It started when I was younger. I had always compared myself to others. Not a good thing to do, ever. Your dad has really helped me face this.

However, Hazel for once in my life I’m actually happy when I look in the mirror. Yes I have a bit of a mommy bloat still but again I just gave birth to you 5 weeks ago. Once I get back to working out I know it will help it disappear and if it doesn’t well I gave birth to 2 beautiful kids! Your dad tells me all the time that I look good and he loves the way I am and would knock my teeth in if I ever went back to having “bad thoughts” about food. (Not those exact words, but you get it.) I eat what I want now without feeling guilty or ashamed. I eat in moderation. I don’t restrict certain “bad” foods anymore. I honestly have you and Fin to thank for this. But especially you! 

I have you as a daughter now. I need for you to never experience what I went through. I have a wonderful mother that was there for me during my really dark times and I promise to be there for you as well. But I want to make sure you never, ever feel the way I have in the past. I put my mom through hell and quite honestly don’t want to go through that with you. I want to be the best role model for you. I will never say anything bad about myself in front of you. I do not want you to ever hear any negative remarks come out of my mouth. You are making me learn to love myself, just like I want you to always love yourself. I was always my harshest critic (with everything in my life) and I’m learning not to be. Because of you I am no longer putting myself down. You and Fin make me want to be a better person and the best mommy I can be. 

I love everything you have given me already, my sweet Hazel. You and Fin are my world and I live to make you proud. Thank you for finally giving me the strength to put the past behind me and move forward. I owe you my world. Now I’m 32 year old mom focused on being my best self while jumping over any mountains for my kids. You guys are my everything!

Love, 

Mommy

You may also like

2 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *